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How to negotiate successfully

 

by Karl Heinz Lorenz

 

Whether in sales, in consulting, in staff dialogue or when meeting business partners - the ability to manage negotiations and conversations effectively determines your business success. Along with methodical aspects, a sound knowledge of human nature and the ability to develop a feel for the person you are talking to are fundamental.

 

 

Know thyself

 

Negotiations will not produce the desired effect unless those involved consciously address both the solid facts and the human dimension. Communication can be described as an exchange of what we might call „messages“, and it has been found that such „messages“ have both a factual and an interpersonal dimension. It is the interpersonal dimension that governs the factual one in human communication. A good negotiator is not like a computer full of technical data. You should always make people feel that the conversation you are having is an exchange among human beings.

If your negotiation runs smoothly it is not likely to be due to the fact that you have always dogmatically observed an ideal behavior model or method. If you want continuing success in the way you are dealing with others, you should thoroughly explore your own individual character. In doing so, you must admit to your negative as well as your positive character traits. A profile of social competence includes both ups and downs.

Know thyself - otherwise you will not be able to learn the art of winning somebody over and convincing them of your ideas.

One important step towards fruitful cooperation is developing the ability to swiftly adapt to change. This requires a sound awareness of the impact of one’s own behaviors or patterns of behavior on others and the reaction it might trigger. It is therefore crucial to have a thorough knowledge of one’s own personality structure. There are tests that help you to recognize your most important character traits. However, you can do without such tests to the extent that you take in and process information, that you receive from others - for example in the form of feedback - without immediately questioning it.

 

Heed the needs of others and you will discover their decision motives

 

Human beings have to satisfy their basic needs. At the same time - and the older they get - human beings strive for self-actualization.

The psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) offered the hypothesis that only very few human beings are capable of self-actualization. This is why he undertook to explore what self-actualization is and how humans achieve it. In doing so he devised a hierarchy of motives and represented it in the form of a pyramid with five levels. The model has become known to experts and the interested public as „Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs“.

The special aspect of this model is that Maslow found that once a need is gratified, it does no longer measurably influence the behavior of human beings. He also identified a certain ranking of human needs. The need for safety, for example, becomes relevant only once our physiological needs are sufficiently satisfied. Our desire for esteem becomes obvious only once our belongingness needs are fulfilled etc.

 

   Self-actualization: Fulfilling an individual goal in life, creative activity, maximize one’s personal potential or talent.

   Esteem Needs: Striving for power, competence, independence, prestige, recognition, respect.

   Belongingness : Belonging to a social group, human interaction, affection, friendship.

   Safety and Security: Social security, economic security, protection against hazards, structure and order.

   Physiological needs: Satisfaction of fundamental life or death needs like food, water, shelter and sleep.

 

What that means for conversation is that you will not be able to win somebody over unless you manage to uncover those internal needs which they think they have not sufficiently satisfied and which are thus still motivating. In most negotiations you can achieve this by focusing on the two dominant levels of belongingness needs and esteem. Since these are values based on experience, it is by their nature that they differ in weight from person to person and from society to society.

However, it cannot be denied that our deepest yearning is for affection and recognition. Therefore, you can be successful in negotiations to the extent to which you manage to satisfy your opposite number’s  „hunger“ in precisely these aspects.

Security can be a motivating factor once it is endangered or not yet there. Self-actualization cannot serve as motivator unless you have the chance to fulfill a person’s ultimate goal in life.

 

Know others by their striving

 

... and you will hold the key to their personality in your hand! Everybody knows that human beings are never alike. Nevertheless we are still frequently surprised by other people’s reactions, once they do not act the way we hoped or expected they would. It happens time and again that we judge other people’s behavior on the basis of how we „tick“ ourselves. However: What we prefer might be unbearable for others. We should appreciate that.

According to Fritz Riemann (1975) we can observe four fundamental and basically opposed orientations in human beings. All four orientations can be identified in each human being, but to various extents. However, most of the time one or two of these orientations are predominant.

Those looking for human closeness: The following issues and feelings are of particular importance to these people: Feeling close to others, commitment, affection, trust, sympathy, kindness, comfort, tenderness and harmony. They need warmth, affirmation and they are altruistic up to self-renunciation, they are active in the social field, they are able to identify with others and might even forget about themselves. They mix easily, they easily blend in with teams, are corrective, accepting and understanding. However, they have a tendency to be over-dependent because they dislike to be alone, they might have a victim’s mentality and are inhibited in their aggression.

Those who are aloof need exactly the opposite in order to feel comfortable. Boundaries, non-interchangeability, freedom, individuality, self-sufficiency, rational thinking and behavior (feelings? No way!). They do not want to be controlled. They seek distance and seem not to need anyone near them. They often seem cool and unapproachable. Reason is what counts for them. Even if it seems almost paradox: Only to the extent that they are offered a high degree of freedom and chances for withdrawal in human interaction will they give in to feelings and enjoy closeness. Help from others is something rather unpleasant to them and they often seem afraid of committing themselves and/or appear uneasy when it comes to emotions.

Those looking for constancy need reliability, punctuality, economicalness, determination, responsibility, planning, cautiousness, control, aims, laws, continuity, necessity, consistency, faithfulness, principles, rules, analyses, stability, obligation, endurance, consequences. Constant people are very reliable, systematic, thorough, orderly, they are excellent organizers and true to their principles. However, they tend to be boring, inflexible, pedantic and stubborn.

Those looking for change - as opposed to the constant ones - like everything that is new, they like capriciousness. Everything in the context of passion, attraction, euphoria and imagination is meaningful to them. In human interaction they look for pleasure, charm, creativity, vivacity, suggestion, spontaneity, risk, fantasy, drama and desire. They have curiosity, they like to be seeking and searching, learning and living.

However, they can also be unreliable, chaotic, histrionic, self-centered, chatty and unsystematic.

These fundamental orientations can be mapped on a coordinate system called the Riemann/Thomann model with a space and a time axis. The time axis is vertical with the two extremes constancy and change. Space is represented in the horizontal axis with the two extremes distance and closeness. Space and time are the criteria upon which people differ in their interaction.

 

Humans do not only have one orientation but a mixture of all of them - with a certain center of gravity. A person could possibly have a combination of 70% closeness and 30% distance. On the time axis there might be 40% constancy and 60% change. Collectively they form the overall picture of this person’s „home ground“

This „home ground“ has a certain center which we might call the „personality gravity center“. It is extremely difficult to determine one’s own orientation, because from our own perspective we are only able to experience the result of their combination in the form of our behavior in certain situations. When trying to classify yourself, bear in mind that there is no „good“ or „bad“ but merely „equal“.

 

When analyzing human behavior, do not forget that your judgment will inevitably be inadequate because of the infinite diversity of behaviors and because your judgment will always be determined by personal desires. Thus, effectively influencing others will only be possible in certain areas and it will never be 100%. With this awareness of fundamental needs and motives you possess a useful and practical set of instruments which helps you to learn to understand how others „tick“. You will now be able to accept actions and reactions of others with much more calmness. It will be easier for you to gratify their instant needs and this gives you a crucial advantage in negotiations.

 

Milestones in human interaction

 

Practical hints for negotiations and successful interaction with other people:

 

   Avoid situations where both parties want (or are bent) to win by making sure in advance that there is a conducive atmosphere for the conversation.

   Do not pretend, be the way you are, not the way you want to be seen. Otherwise you will not appear natural which will make it hard to build up affinity. Authenticity is the key.

   Be critical with yourself. Be true to yourself and your character. Reflect yourself and do not live a superficial life. You will thus be able to develop a sensitivity for what is going on around you.

   Accept that human beings are self-centered by nature. This helps you to respect opinions and feelings of others.

   Approach other people with a receptive and open mind. Reduce obstacles by putting yourself in their position when there is disagreement.

   Avoid judging the opinions of others, accept them as suggestions.

   Start your conversation with something positive. Then, however, get straight to the point and the intended purpose of the conversation.

   Let others know right from the beginning that they can benefit from this negotiation by describing the positive results to them.

   Do not insist on your individual plans but demonstrate that you are sincerely interested in a solution that meets the expectations of both sides.

   Make concessions in some areas. However, find out in advance to what extent such concessions could compromise your goals.

   Listen closely and, by asking questions on what others are saying, show them what you have learnt from their comments or objections.

 

Manage your negotiations with emotional intelligence

 

Frequently, disagreement in conversations leads to tension on the interpersonal level. Recognizing such conflicts while they are emerging will enable you to make an intervention and to ultimately succeed in the negotiation.

In order to avoid ending up in an emotional „conversation bottleneck“, you should keep an eye on the communicative behavior of the other person. He or she will unconsciously inform you, whether they are happy with the course of the conversation or not.

If you want to remain in control in a conversation, you must avoid being unconsciously influenced by their communication behavior. Be aware of their tone of voice, expression and body language.

The following list names but a few examples of communication behavior from a very broad and diverse range. These are frequent ones, however, and therefore you should pay special attention to them. Test out thoroughly, in which of the cases your reaction would be appropriate or where you could correct your patterns of communication behavior.

 

Rude, impolite: Remain polite but determined. Ignore gaffes made by others.

Nervous, impatient: Stay calm. React quickly. Do not try to calm them down, it might easily make them aggressive.

Cumbersome, thoughtful: Do not insist, explain thoroughly. Give them time to think.

Cool, polite: Give them a feeling of esteem, ask them for their opinion, restrain  yourself.

Kind, open for contact: Make use of a conducive negotiation situation, but do not become too intimate.

Quiet, hesitant: Use question and pause techniques, but avoid a questioning situation, do not silence them with a flood of words.

Critical, suspicious: Work with proven facts, use a good rationale, check whether they are still with you from time to time.

Talkative, chatty: Interrupt in a friendly way, do not become impatient, try to puzzle them.

Insecure, indecisive: Do not insist, give detailed explanations of advantages and benefits, take the initiative.

Arrogant, boastful: Be very polite and kind, avoid opposition, pay compliments.

Pedantic, narrow-minded: Immediately correct everything that has remained unclear, be careful with compliments, take these people very seriously.

 

... and finally for a personal remark

 

That is all very well in theory - you might say - and: yes, it requires frequent and active use in day-to-day situations. This means: practice, practice, practice. Communication can be trained. Continue enlarging your store of knowledge from experience. Enhance your personality in the interaction with others. Avoid dogmatic methods and keep away from manipulative conversation techniques. Those who know how to convince others do not need manipulation. Those who have the art of motivating others are certain to  be successful in negotiations and conversations.

Wishing you a lot of fun and success.

 

Sincerely, Karl Heinz Lorenz